Let’s Talk About Sex (& Pleasure)!

Are you currently having wonderfully pleasurable sex that just happens whenever the urge comes along? If so, way to go! I’m over the moon excited for you!

But if you read that and think, “geeze…don’t I wish”, then please read on.

How much do you know about sex and how it really works? What do you know about your own sexual anatomy? Do you think it’s your partner’s responsibility to “give you an orgasm”? Do you explore your own self-pleasure and, if so, how often? If you have a self-pleasure practice, do you use it during partnered intimacy, either before, during or after the “sex part” (aka – your partner’s penetration and orgasm)? Think about that for a second.

If any of that rings true, you may not know what you don’t know! That’s not a slam on you or your lack to knowledge, as it’s actually quite common to not know. Rather, it just brings to light something that often happens – if you don’t know the ABCs of how sex works, how are you supposed to figure out how to find pleasure in it? Our desire to repeat doing something, be it sexual or otherwise, needs to give us some form of pleasure or satisfaction. So, let’s start at the very beginning.

We’ll take the easy part first – pleasure. In our current world, the word ‘pleasure’ is often highjacked and linked only to sex when, in truth, pleasure is an incredibly important part of our lives. It’s a complex emotion that allows you to experience feelings like enjoyment, satisfaction, and gratification. As a sensory experience, pleasure happens when you take a bite of your favorite food, you enjoy the warmth of a gentle breeze on your face, or you feel a sense of peace when you look at a beautiful, clear-blue sky. Think about that smile that comes to your face when you hear your favorite song or the exhilaration you feel after working out. All those things invite pleasure onboard…but only if you take the time to notice and enjoy them. Experiencing pleasurable activities increases your “happy hormones”, like dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.¹ The more pleasure you’re able to experience throughout the day, the higher those levels go. The fuller your “pleasure bucket” gets, the better you feel! Sensuality’s joy comes to us when we pay attention. On the other hand, when it comes to participating in intimacy, we have to choose whether we want to be sexual. And that, at times, can be messy and often hard to do. 

That’s because sexuality is a bit more complicated. It’s complex and multifaceted and includes a range of feelings, behaviors, and identities, and how they relate to things like sexual attraction and expression. Sexuality is certainly about physical attraction and activity, but it also embodies your emotional and romantic being. Depending on your preference and situation, you may be totally content to “just have sex”, whatever that looks like for you. But, on the other hand, maybe you’re game to begin a new sexual journey. What about integrating more sensuality into your sexuality, but with a better understanding of how your anatomy really works?

Maybe you’re someone who found your clitoris at a young age. If so, lucky you!  If everything comes together, it works, and you’re okay with that, right on! But again, what if you don’t know what you don’t know? What if it doesn’t work? Then what?

Many times, those of us with vulvas need to work to find our own physical pleasure. That pleasure, by the way, is ours to find, own, and cherish. There’s not a lot of conversation about how the whole clitoris (the female sex organ) looks or works. Truth be told, the full anatomy of the clitoris wasn’t published until 2005² with a full 3D image not published until 2010. Since that time, studies have been done and books written on the topics of clitoral anatomy and function.³

News flash! The clitoris isn’t just that little “nub” above your vaginal opening. The two pictures below show the labeled clitoral anatomy⁴ and the newest, most up-to-date model of the clitoral structure.⁵ The clitoral organ straddles the urethra (in orange) and the opening of the vaginal canal (in green). The clitoral body and crura, shown in pink, are analogous to the penis in that it takes on a stiffness with arousal and increased blood flow, but does not become erect. The “nub” or glans, shown in yellow, is home to over 10,000 nerve endings,⁶ making it quite sensitive with arousal. What you see in purple are the vestibular bulbs extending down from the clitoral glans. They, too, respond to arousal by filling with blood and becoming tumescent. Though the glans win in having the most nerve endings, the whole of the clitoral structure, when aroused, is sensually pleasurable to both touch and vibration.